Extraordinary Sunshine Weaver

The gap between compassion and surrender is love’s darkest, deepest region. 	
Orhan Pamuk, The Museum of Innocence

I am ready to shed the old clothes,
the tatters that hang off my heart that I thought 
held some comfort but that no longer fit me.
I lay them out for display. Touch each one, 
each fear & attachment one last time.

I release my hordes of wants & needs.
My weight I put on for protection. My addictions
to coffee, chocolate, red wine. 
My attraction to numbing routines,
like scrolling my way through the ‘daze’ as though
my time has passed.

I let go of unhealthy relationships. Minds that no longer 
hold resonance to mine, may you be well. 
I’ll miss you, but I no longer grieve your absence 
or fear abandonment.
I forgive you & myself. 
I’m moving on into my vast true nature, 
which holds inner wisdom & guidance 
from my own tribe. I know my soul mates 
will never retire.

I unburden myself from other worries. Fear of illness
& joint failure. Fear of falling. 
Fear of success. Fear of defeat.
Fear of being a woman in a misogynistic world.
Fear of love & intimacy. Fear of crowds.
Fear of judgment & ridicule. 
Fear of losing my mind to social dementia.

I disengage my rationalizations & projections.
They have only misled me into thinking
that I am not responsible for my pain. 
Fear makes me a martyr, 
felled by false beliefs.

I surrender my need to be right in any fight. 
I can refract & reflect. I can move
in many directions. Not just as rays
but also waves. 
Just as Soul.

I relinquish my disdain for my pesky shadow
as I know she is here to teach me,
to terrorize my naked heart
until it screams open,
and I am finally able to see
that I do not need to be ‘fixed’.

My soul is no longer broken. 
It’s outgrown its fears.
Cleansed & ready. 
Ready. For what’s next.

© Barbara Leonhard

This poem appears in The Lost Book of Zeroth (Alien Buddha Press, 2025)