“Who Am I Again?” by Isteb Grah

Isteb Grah’s poem reminds me of my mother, who had Alzheimer’s. Mom didn’t express her confusion in this way although I sensed it and knew what a mangle her mind was becoming. Isteb and I have been corresponding, and her situation now touches my heart. I made an audio of her poem, which I am unable to upload on MasticadoresUSA, where I published her poem today. I would like to add the audio to this reblog.

MasticadoresUsa // Editor: Barbara Leonhard

AllI know about me today - I'm definitely not free. Sometimes my mind is clear, my eyes are open, and I can see. Other days my mind is lost, I can't seeanything but gray orremember a single detail about anything, except I'm in a very dark place. Sometimes I don't know my name or even recognize my own face. During my moments of clarity, I recall a past full of love, family and happiness, but I can never remember how I lost them, and I get mad! To be left in this place, I must have done something very bad. During my dark times, I'm afraid, even terrified at times, because well - Oh man, now I forget. I do remember a deep seated fear of something, but I don't know what, maybe regret? I read my journal and ask everyone I see, “Am I sick.” Sadly, I can never…

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Published by Meelosmom

I am a poet weaver. I love going within to excavate the bits of my soul that need reassembly into words. I weave in other ways. I’m also a collagist, assembling snippets of images into a new whole with deep meaning. Each collage is a poem. This year, I've also started drawing neurographica, and since beginning this art therapy, I can't believe how many new connections I've been making and new opportunities. This art form has changed my life and, I believe, my poetry writing. I can also call myself a memoirist. I have compiled a poetry collection called Three-Penny Memories: A Poetic Memoir, which is about me and my mother, who passed from complications related to Alzheimer’s in 2016. Our lives were woven together in amazing symmetry, like a collage, around our mother wounds, our near deaths, and losses that impacted our relationship. This year I found a publisher for my book - EIF (Experiments in Fiction), which is owned and operated by Ingrid Wilson. The book was the #1 Release in Family Poetry on Oct. 15, 2022, and it attained best-seller status in three poetry categories over the next few days. In Nov. 2022, EIF nominated me for a Pushcart Prize for a poem in my book, “Mom and I Play Lassos with our Hysterectomy Scars”. In 2021-22, I submitted poems from it with some success. One poem, “Cooking a Life with a Wire Spine”, was published as a featured work on Spillwords, and in August 2021, was nominated as Publication of the Month. Also, in September 2021, Free Verse Revolution: A literary magazine, published two other poems from my collection, “Hestia for Hire” and “Mermother: A Rogue Dream Poem”. Kristiana Reed, the editor of Free Verse Revolution: A literary magazine, kindly writes in an email, “The portrayal of a parent/child relationship in both pieces was incredibly raw and moving.” My poem "Marie Kondo Cleans My Purse at Starbuck's" was voted publication of Jan/Feb in 2022. In June 2022, I was honored to have two poems from my collection published in what became an Amazon best-selling anthology Wounds I Healed: The Poetry of Strong Women (Gabriela Marie Milton. ed., also published by EIF - Experiments in Fiction). It is humbling that my poetry is getting recognized in other ways. In the anthology Well-Versed 2021 (available on amazon.com), “Picasso Dreams Broken Glass” won Third-Place in Poetry and “From Your Son” received Honorary Mention. This year I've also enjoyed interviews with Eri Nelson with SheShedStudios on VloggingPod (June 2); with Victoria Onofrei for "Victoria in Verse" on Bloomsbury Radio (August 14); with Thomas Whyte for Poetry Mini Interviews (a 5-part series in August and September); with Paul Brookes for Wombwell Rainbow (July 22); and others are forthcoming. In November, Gabriela Marie Milton asked me if I would succeed her as Editor for Masticadores USA, and I really love it! My husband Dierik is a musician of Bluegrass, Cajun, and Country music. He's also a wonderful music teacher. We've rescued and lost many cats over the years. Our last set of three cats is now down to one, Jasper, who was the youngest of the three. JoJo and Saga sadly succumbed to cancers since the pandemic started. Catch me at... Facebook: Barbara Leonhard Twitter: @Barbara.Leonhar4 Instagram: @meelosmom123 Why Extraordinary Sunshine Weaver? Weaver is Source, who connects all things. Strings and threads are cloth woven for wear. Sunshine is Source, who reaches out rays Like fingers to heat and heal, To create Spring, spiritual connection, To nurture Gaia, To create rain as food, To dream life, To forge love And evolve Source. Extraordinary is this mystery. All extends from Source as fingers of light To nourish and thrive, And as night falls awake so do all Return to Source. ©2022 Barbara Leonhard Unless otherwise stated, all published works are the original works of the author and are copyrighted. Contents of the blog may be re-used either for personal or commercial purposes, in part or whole only with permission and the author duly acknowledged with links to the blog embedded.

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19 thoughts on ““Who Am I Again?” by Isteb Grah”

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  1. Thank you for your poem. I was touched by it. See, my own mother has dementia now. And for reasons I still can’t explain clearly, I cannot be there for her anymore… because I was there too much… on the fringe of toxicity.. I was there probably in a wrong way, but I was there.

    Today I can’t be anymore, and it make me sad and full of culpability to not be there. I still write to her, love her, from afar.

    You have written a beautiful piece, and I send you hope and love in the multiple woe you must traverse and endure. Please do take care of you, and know there is love at each turn in life. Suffice to look underbush sometime.

    Myriam D. 💌💌

    Ps: thank you Barbara, for what you do for people is so nice and lovely. ❣️❣️

    Liked by 2 people

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    1. You’re a sweetheart, Myriam! Your mother raised an amazing human being. Brain injuries make it difficult for people to relate. I’m here for you if you ever need to talk. ♥️🌹♥️

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      1. Thank you Barbara, my mother was a great woman. She was very broken, with a very minimal Confidence in herself, so much doubt… I love her very tenderly.

        Wish you a beautiful and peaceful week 🌹🌹❤️ and thank you in being there, you are of great confort.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Our familial relationships are so complicated. I think forgiveness plays a huge role in how we love. Your mother is lucky to have you. So sorry she was so broken.

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Thank you, she was awesome… she has done her very best. I will try and find a photography of her to send you. I will love her always.

        Sending hugs mlle Barbara. Thank you for being there. Really it is a comfort ❤️🩷❤️

        Liked by 2 people

    2. Myriam you are not alone, we can do only so much and then must learn self care and learn where I end and someone else begins. (Al-anon)it’s easy to become emeshed with a nother person, especially family or those who are ill but that becomes very toxic quick and when your gut tells you that you can’t do something then, praise God you haven’t! Obviously you did your part early on and for that I hope your proud of yourself, how many young people do you know that are willing to care for their parent in any way just because they want to cuz I can’t really think of very many matter of fact I can think of two so I guess what I’m saying is you did your part and have incredible insight to understand your personal boundaries and well good, bad, wrong or right….I admire your honesty and strength and thank you for reading and commenting. I’d like to be your friend 🙂

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      1. Mlle Isteb, I thank you from my heart. You really uplift my mood with your nice response. You are right, it 5ake courage to put boundaries, and it is inevitable sometime. I love her so very much, she is in good hand with my step father. He is far from perfect, but one thing I do know is he love her dearly, and is there for her. She really is half her life.

        You have my friendship, and I wish you the most beautiful thing life can bring. Your poetry is very touching, and I am glad to have read you and that we did connect. Please take care of you mlle. It is the best we all can do in life. 🪻🪻🪻

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Thank you again for publishing this. I read your article aren’t home on Alzheimer’s and I know how invested you are and how important it is to you and to really all of us cuz at any moment well you know. So please tell me how I can be a part of that movement and awareness because I don’t know a whole lot about Alzheimer’s just a little unless it’s similar to dementia I don’t know but I would like to really support you in doing whatever I can for those with Alzheimer’s the families of Alzheimer’s or even just getting information out and who people can reach out to in their local area if they suspect or believe they or a loved one have it.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  3. Home set aside I just want you to know you are an absolutely beautiful human I watched your live YouTube and I really enjoyed myself I hope to get another opportunity so if anything like that comes up again I’d sure like to to see it or read it or be a part of it I’d like to support you in any way that I can and the magazine or publication I don’t know what they call these things these days but I do know that I am very passionate about a lot of things that illnesses and and humans that have been neglected and pushed under the carpet during pandemic and have not received the care that they deserve or the dignity or the respect and I’d like to work with you on anything that comes up that you think fit.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

      1. Honestly I think it’s the other way around, either way I am so blessed to have you in my life. Before I came to this community I was just going to sit and wait until my medical condition just hit me up and killed me but then I was dinking around one day and I ran across WordPress and I thought you know maybe I should just write what I’m thinking, these people don’t know me. I can say anything about anything to anybody I want I can be mean I can be nice I can be hurt I can be angry I can be happy anything I want to be and nobody would even know it was me and that was the attitude I was just going to get on here and have like a ranching raging I hate everything pity party blog but I started to talk to people like you matter of fact I think you might have even been the first one I’m not sure but very close if not the first one. And everyone was so kind, and creative and beautiful and I could tell they were beautiful by their creations and it occurred to me that I had found a place where I belong I may not contribute much because I’m new and not that good and I dangle my parsipples and I don’t have punctuation down and I have run on sentences and and I ramble and say all kinds of crazy goofy things and I use voice to text and I don’t always proofread what it wrote so sometimes it says things I don’t even mean it to and yet everybody was still so kind to me. I’m blessed and honestly I’m alive today because of this community and I’ll say it WordPress I’d never heard of it before I didn’t know what it was but it popped up and wrapped so arms around me and so many beautiful beautiful sweet spirited humans have just made me feel like I want to live so much in fact that I’ve had what five surgeries now the last 4 months trying not to die from esophagus cancer and I got a whole bunch more ahead of me and it doesn’t matter like it used to I mean by that is I wasn’t going to do it I was just going to let myself die but now I’m doing it because I want to live and I don’t want to live because I got stuff to say because I need to find out who I am it’s almost as if I’ve been the one for 55 years walking this planet with dementia and not understanding anything about living now I know a lot about dying because most of my life I went out of my way to do stupid stuff that would potentially put me in a situation where it was a possibility so I don’t need too much learning on that but I do need to learn how to live and you guys are teaching me through your artwork and your poetry and your thoughts and your just banter back and forth. I know this is a very long response but I’m just that grateful and I mean that she’s a very poor of my soul I am so grateful. Thank you

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